Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger

Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger

Whether you read the Bible or not, there is a lot to be learned from its words. The Bible reminds us that “Love is patient, Love is Kind…” It reminds us to “Do unto others as we would have them do unto us.” And it encourages us to “Love our neighbors.”

In the new testament, there is a verse that suggests “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” In fact, all of the major religions seem to agree that going to bed angry is a recipe for marital and relational problems.

Where Does The Anger Come From?

When I talk with couples about dealing with their anger or frustration with one another, we tend to follow a similar path. That is, for example, the wife does something that frustrates the husband – usually unintentionally. The husband then tries to address the issue – usually in an unproductive manner. And the argument begins.

Neither the husband nor the wife begin the process thinking, “Oh boy… am I going to get her angry today!” Instead, many arguments begin with… well… a misunderstanding. One person says something that is either vague or misunderstood by the other, and boom, an argument ensues.

We all know that the best predictor of an argument is stress. If you have a bad day at work, you are more likely to have an argument that evening. If the kids are frustrating you, then you are more likely to be “snippy” with your partner.

If your relationship is already stressed, then you are more likely to look for those things that aggravate and irritate you. This, of course, increases the likelihood that you will take something that was said the wrong way. Again, this is not typically an intentional process – except for in adolescence, when a teen is too anxious to end a relationship, so he intentionally creates conflict so that she will break up with him. I think that we have all been on one side or the other of this situation.

Nonetheless, with all intentions (or un-intentions) aside, arguments happen and we become angry. And what happens next is critical. When I talk with couples who struggle with these situations they tend to manage these scenarios by first “letting things cool down.” They temporarily create some separation. That is, he will go outside to do some work, or she will make a trip to the store. Regardless, they retreat to their metaphorical corners and cool down.

The problem, though, is that once we are cooled down, we tend to avoid bringing the issue back up. I mean, after all, who wants to rehash something that you know is going to elicit a conflict?

Unfortunately, this practice results in us stuffing those feelings down inside. We allow them to go below our emotional surface, so that we can, at least for the time being, function in a more “normal” way. However, the next time something elicits your frustration, all of those unresolved conflicts resurface with it.

We all know that this happens. How many times have you been in an argument and your partner brings up something from months ago? And you’re thinking, “Geesh, why does she always bring up things from the past?” Well, it is probably because it was never sufficiently resolved to begin with. It was a wound that never really healed.

Don’t Go To Bed Angry

So now we return to the original point – don’t go to bed angry. For couples who struggle with these types of issues, I recommend a paradoxical approach to resolution. That is, I encourage them to face the issue, head on, and find a solution before going to bed.

For couples just starting this process, they need a schedule. I encourage them to identify a time, every day, to sit and talk. So, for example, let’s say that due to their schedule, 8:00 pm is the best time for them to sit and talk. At that time, the house should be relatively quiet and there should be no other pressing obligations (including preferred television programs). There should be nothing within the 8 o’clock hour that will pressure either of them to end the talk early or to come to an “agreement” as fast as possible so that they can get to the other interest. This is a time just to talk.

There are two reasons why this should be scheduled in the evening. First – and most obvious – this allows for stress and issues from the day to be resolved. If you meet midday or in the morning, arguments and issues are left for the next day. Second, this allows for some cool down. It is preferable for conversations to occur when both of you are relatively calm. If either are angry, then there is the risk for escalation. So scheduling in the evening helps to ensure that you are both calm and ready to listen.

Resolving the Conflict

Now that you are both present and ready to talk, the conversation should begin with something positive. “I really had a nice dinner with you, how did you cook that chicken?” or “Thanks for doing the yard work today, I know you hate it, but it was looking bad out there.” And if you cannot find anything else positive to say, “I really appreciate that we are going to take this time to talk and fix some things.”

Next, address the issue in a direct way. While either can begin the process, both must get an “opening statement” to share their view. And statements should be made something like this, “It made me angry and feel like you were being negatively critical of me when you said the living room needed to be cleaned up.” And the response should include something like, “I understand what you said – that it made you angry. I felt angry at the time because while I was working hard cooking dinner, you were sitting in your chair watching TV. There was still so much to do before bed.”

As the conversation continues, a key element is the focus on your own feelings. Avoid the “You just made me so mad” statements, because that – of course – is only going to make the other person more defensive, which will result in more argument. Instead, focus on yourself. “I became angry because I took your statement to mean …” Remember, it is not your partner’s fault that you became angry.

Throughout the conversation, be sure to listen with an open mind. In reality, and even though it feels like he does, why would he want to intentionally make you angry? Why would she purposefully insult or marginalize you? If you truly love each other, would those harmful intentions be there to begin with?

Of course not. As such, we know that the entire situation was either a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, or – quite simply – a manifestation of frustration from another source (i.e., work). And if done correctly, the conversation will likely resolve with an acknowledgement of one (or more) of these three things. One of you may end by saying, “I think I understand now. When you mentioned the messy living room, you were saying that you felt as though I did not value what you were doing with dinner or that you also had a rough day at work. Is that right? I know that I had a hard day at the office, which was why I was sitting down and resting. But I can see what you mean, and I am sorry what I did made you feel that way.”

The conversation should end with a feeling of closeness and understanding. If you communicate effectively, you will better understand your partner’s point of view and how your statements or actions affected them. While this does not guarantee that things will be better tomorrow; the rest of this evening will likely be more relaxing and intimate.

Deep, heartfelt, problem resolving conversations can be a wonderful way to maintain a healthy relationship. In fact, research suggests that the healthiest relationships are ones that resolve conflicts as they occur. They do not allow issues to build up.

So try this in your home. If there is a problem, solve it through healthy communication, understanding, and of course, love.