The Butterfly Effect

ByDr. Berney

The Butterfly Effect

Last week, while in court, I was asked a very interesting question. Well, I was asked a lot of interesting questions, but one in particular asked me to testify as to whether the defendant’s actions were a direct result of his mother’s influence.

The short answer was no, the mother was not even present at the time of the offense. Thusly, she did not have a “direct” impact on his actions. However, the real answer is much more complicated. 

Every action we take is a result of every other decision we have made and experience we have lived through. Many times a day we intuitively do or think something that is the direct result of our past experiences.

The lifestyles we live, the decisions we make, the wrongs in life that we accept, and the goals we set for ourselves are all an amalgamation of the experiences we have had since we were born.

Sure you may say, “But I am nothing like my parents! They always did X and I always do Y!” Well, if you pause and consider this point, you may end up agreeing that you do Y because your parents did X and you learned that it did not suit you. Or perhaps you had a strong relationship with someone else who did Y, influencing you to take on that habit instead of following in your parents’ footsteps.

The bottom line is, somewhere along the line, you realized that for you, Y was better than X. And that realization came about as a result of experience. Had you never experienced one, you would not have appreciated the other.

So, heading back around to the question in court, was the defendant’s actions the direct result of his mother’s influence. In a way, I have to say yes.

Yes, he was at the scene because his mother moved them to that apartment months earlier. Yes, he was out that late at night because his mother did not set boundaries for him and ensure that he was home at a reasonable time. Yes, he acted in a violent manner because he has witnessed and experienced violence as a way to resolve conflict his entire life. And yes, he ran away from the scene because he was taught that if you do something wrong and get away from the area then you are likely to avoid trouble. So yes, his mother did influence his actions. She did not make him do it, that was still a choice. But her actions did contribute to his behaviors.

This should make you think about your own life and the influence your experiences have had on your decisions; and how your decisions are setting the same stage for your child.

How are your actions today going to influence your child’s decisions tomorrow? When you and your child go to the store, make your purchases, but when you arrive at the car you and your child realize that there is something in your bag that the cashier did not ring up, you have a choice to make.

On one hand you can do nothing. After all, they raise the prices on everything, so you may tell your child – who is looking at you, wondering what you will do next – “This is my frequent shopper reward.”

You can rationalize it all you want, but what effect will it have on your child. You made it out of the store with an item you did not purchase, and since you did not get caught, it is your “reward.” What does that sound like? More importantly, what does that sound like to your child?

On the other hand you could use it as an opportunity to shape your child’s future decisions. You may say aloud, “I guess I should take this back in and pay for it. I wouldn’t feel right just taking it home if I did not buy it.” You and your child could then put the remaining items in your car, get the receipt and the extra item, and go back in the store.

On the way back in you process the situation with your child. “Man, that was weird! I guess she thought she scanned it but didn’t.” When you arrive at the customer service desk, with your child standing next to you, explain what happened and make the purchase.

Sure it was the store’s mistake and sure you would have not have gotten into any trouble, but the lesson you taught your child could be the vital lesson that avoids a tendency toward theft. It could be that subtle nudge your child needed as he develops his own set of morals and ethics. It could be the seed that grows and helps your child to become the healthy, well adjusted adult you hope to one day meet.

Life is full of decisions. And while we pay so much attention and put so much effort into the big decisions, the little – seemingly insignificant – decisions can have the most profound influence on the rest of our lives and the lives of those we love.

You have likely heard of The Butterfly Effect. In short, it is the theory that small changes in one time or place can result in major changes in another time or place. The small things you do now, will set the stage for major decisions, choices, actions, and beliefs in the future.

Nothing grows or matures in a vacuum. Everything influences everything else. Will you make sure that the decisions you make today are ones that will lead you to your ultimate goal? Will you make sure that what you do today, right now, will help your child grow into the responsible, moral, and healthy adult you hope he will become?

It starts right now… Well, technically, the butterfly first flapped his wings on the day your child was born, so don’t get any further behind!