Resource 7: Balancing Control and Reactivity

Resource 7: Balancing Control and Reactivity

As I mentioned in Wednesday’s blog, the past few weeks have been dedicated to performing the final review and edits to Part One of the revised Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child, which will be available as a Kindle e-book on May 9, 2016. The revisions are really coming together very well and we believe that the information will help parents find more joy and pleasure in their task of being a parent.

Because we are releasing it as an e-book, we have had to reformat a few things. Specifically, in the original, print version of the book, each chapter ended with a few “Activities” that provided the reader with either additional information about a particular concept from the chapter or step-by-step directions for implementing one of the strategies discussed. To increase success, we included space for the reader to write and keep notes as they progressed through the “Activity.”

Unfortunately, this will not work in an e-book format. So what we have decided to do is take all of the “Activities” – now simply referred to as “Resources” – and load them onto a website that those who purchase the book can access. For Part 1 alone there will be nearly 20 additional Resources that are literally a click away.  And some of these Resources are those that we use to help strengthen families every day.

So for this blog post, I thought I would give you a taste of what you can expect with the Handbook and with the various Resources that will be available. What follows is one of the Resources that I am really pleased with, as it addresses the shift in our role as parents when our children transition from toddlerhood to early childhood.

Resource 7: Balancing Control and Reactivity

As our children transition out of toddlerhood and into early childhood, our role begins to change. How well we adjust to our new role depends on two things: CONTROL and REACTIVITY. Most of you remember the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Whether it was porridge, chairs, or beds, Goldilocks wanted it “just right.” Well, we want control and reactivity to be “just right.” But getting it right is no easy task.

Control

By control we mean how much control you feel you should have over your child. Some parents seek total control. The parent’s word is law and children you will do as they are told—or else. This approach is often accompanied by harsh and fear-based discipline. As we discussed in Chapter 1, this style of parenting is known as authoritarian parenting. This parenting style seeks too much control and it is harmful to children at several levels.

Parents who have all the control and decision-making may raise children who are obedient and who are high achievers. But this approach to parenting also denies children the opportunity to learn to control their own behavior and to make their own decisions. Their decisions and values are based solely on the consequences applied by their parents. Take the parents out of the equation (such as when they start driving or go to college), and the child is left without the skills needed to make good, healthy decisions.

At the other extreme are parents who exercise too little control. You may remember that this style is known as permissive parenting and allows children too much freedom and too much decision-making. Fearful that they might thwart their children’s natural curiosity and exploration, permissive parents often end up with children with too few boundaries and too few limits and who never learn to respect the rights of others.

Without adequate limit-setting, these children tend to talk too much, too loudly, and to say inappropriate things. They also don’t understand that there are times when they must comply with adult directions and to obey what the adults are telling them. And, like authoritarian parenting, permissive parenting also robs children of the opportunity to learn how to regulate their behavior.

The balance we seek lies with the third parenting style, authoritative parenting. Using the Goldilocks metaphor, authoritative parents find just the right mixture of control and independence with their parenting. While they provide appropriate amounts of structure, expectation, and demands; they also encourage questions and compromise. They listen to their child and focus more on teaching than on obedience. Because they know that when you are listening and teaching, obedience is a natural side-effect.

Reactivity

How we react to our children also influences how well we adjust to our new role as a parent. As with control, we want to find some happy medium between over-reacting and under-reacting. Either extreme does a disservice to the child.

While it’s okay to think of your children as being the center of YOUR universe, don’t treat them as though they are the center of THE universe. Otherwise, they might begin to believe they are. Even as toddlers, children must understand that they are one among many and that while their parents are convinced that they are the most important person in the world, the rest of the world is not going to accord them the same status.

One of the ways we teach our children this lesson is by how we react to them. As we stated in Chapter 1, you are not going to spoil an infant by responding to her cries and it is probably best to respond to her cries as quickly as we can.

But after the age of about 18 to 24 months, you can begin to delay your response time just a little and begin to ignore some pleas altogether. The reason for doing so is simple. Although you adore your children and you will do anything for them, it is also your responsibility to help them become more self-sufficient, to understand that it is possible to tolerate a little discomfort now and then, and to learn to be patient, that your needs will be met in due time.

So, how do parents create this balance between too much and too little reaction? A good rule of thumb is that prior to 15 months of age, it is okay to drop what you are doing and respond quickly. By age 18 months or so (about the time that most children have the receptive language abilities to understand what we are saying) it is time to begin to change how we respond, how quickly we respond, and, in some cases, whether we respond.

It goes without saying, of course, that we respond to emergencies immediately. All other situations, however, provide an opportunity for kids to learn to be patient, that help is coming but you may have to wait. It needn’t be a long wait, maybe just a minute or so, but wait they must.

Reacting too forcefully is one problem. Mothers frequently complain that dad is too harsh, too demanding, too impatient, too quick to anger. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you feel yourself getting really angry, don’t say or do anything. It’s a safe bet that you are going to regret any words you use or actions you take when you are angry. So don’t go there. Unless lives or property are being threatened, remove yourself from the situation, cool off, calmly decide what you want to say or do, and then, and only then, should you intervene.

We know kids will drive you crazy. But crazy is not the way to parent. Getting to Calm is a wonderful parenting book. As the title suggests, the book helps parents to ‘get to calm first, then parent.’ If you tend to get angry with your children, get a copy of this book and read it. It’s loaded with good advice.

So now you must be wondering, where is that line between squelching a child’s independence and allowing her to take over? As usual, it depends on the child’s temperament. Some children are, by nature, easier and more cooperative, while others are more strong-willed and determined. But there are some guidelines worth following.

First, try your best to refrain from attributing resistance and insistence to defiance and disobedience. That children become more willful at age two goes without saying. Of course they are willful, they are supposed to be. They now have a rapidly developing brain that is straining to do new things. Your job is not just to squelch those urges, but to direct and channel them as well.

A general rule to follow at this and any age is that no child should ever be allowed to select an activity until she is fully capable of comprehending the consequences that may follow. For example, it is not reasonable for a two year old to decide when she will go to bed, because she does not fully appreciate the consequences of sleep deprivation. That is a parent’s decision, because, unlike a toddler, you do know the short- and long-term consequences of too little sleep.

Similarly, choosing an activity that requires a lot of clean up carries an additional responsibility. It is perfectly okay for children to choose to do finger-painting or to bake a batch of cookies, but they must learn that they are also selecting the clean up that follows these activities. If they are not willing to at least assist with the clean up, they are not yet ready to select that kind of activity.

Otherwise, a child is free to roam making messes and leaving them for their parents to clean up after them. And that is a routine that you must avoid at any age. If your child drags out the finger-paints or chooses to bake a batch of cookies, make sure she understands and agrees to participate in the clean up.

Many parents have the mistaken belief that they will limit their child’s creativity and self-expression if they react in such a way, disallowing the child to jump into activities with gusto. Not true. Children can be as creative as they please, but they also need to learn that it is their mess to clean once the activity is over. What a wonderful, life-long lesson to teach a young child.