Just Be You

ByDr. Berney

Just Be You

Who are you?

That is a question I often ask of my patients. While many look back at me and just smile, there are those who get what I am asking right away. They tend to look up and into one of the corners of the room and will think for a moment before responding, “I’m not really sure.”

We tend to identify ourselves in a variety of ways. Some stick with concrete descriptors – “I am a 6 foot tall man who is married with three kids and I work in construction.” Others are more aesthetic – “I am a lover of music, reading, and I really enjoy spending time with my friends, just being me.”

I use this exercise in therapy as a measure of how in tune the patient is with him/herself. Does he see himself in just this physical ‘what I do is what I am’ manner, or does he know himself a little deeper.

The real key to this exercise, though, is the next step, when I ask, “Are you happy with who you are?” And that question is always answered in very interesting ways.

When we experience stress, anxiety, depression, frustration, or any other disturbing psychological distress, the root is often a mismatch between who we are or what we do, and who we wish we were or what we wish we were doing.

For example, when I ask the second question I often hear people say that they are unhappy in their job or relationship. They express frustration with their current position in life and more often than I wish were true, they admit that they have no interest in being where they are in life!

They wish they were thinner. They wish they were more successful. They wish that they were… well… different.

Does that sound familiar?

If so, I challenge you to consider this: How many of those thoughts are based upon how you really feel as opposed to how you have been taught to feel?

Let that sink in for a second.

What I am asking you to consider is this, is there a possibility that the measuring stick you are using to make decisions in your life one that you created or one that was handed to you by someone else?

For example, I often see this issue in teenagers and college students, where they are applying to colleges they have no interest in, or majoring in a field that they could care less about working in. Yet, they have this impression of success and happiness that was imposed upon them by someone else. They have not yet found what really makes them happy, personally.

As a result, many of these teenagers become adults that follow the white rabbit toward the promise of happiness but never find Wonderland. They become sad, depressed, or worse, self-loathing. They tell themselves, “I should be happy.” or “I should be doing more.” or “Why can’t I just be satisfied?”

When my patient finds him/herself in this situation, therapy takes a right turn. We stop chasing that white rabbit and begin to look for his own path. We begin to find ways for her to accept herself for who she is, not what others have taught her she should be. We work to help him find his personal happiness.

You see, your life is just that; it is YOURS. Sure when we are children our parents “force” us to do a variety of things, which is important because it exposes us to experiences that we would have never had otherwise.

But as we become teenagers and adults, many of those decisions become our own. As such, we must work to become comfortable enough with ourselves to follow our own path. We must do a little (or a lot of) introspection and learn who we really are. Sometimes we can do this on our own, but sometimes we need the help of a friend, coach, or counselor. Regardless, you must realize that that mythical thing we call happiness is something you find when you follow your own path, not when you are on a path someone else put you on.

So I will end this blog post by asking the question again, Are you happy with who you are? If the answer is no, then we need to figure out if you are really the you, you were meant to be!