Independent vs. Self-Sufficient

Independent vs. Self-Sufficient

We have all heard kids say it. No, demand it! “I WANT TO DO IT!”

The ultimate goal of parenting is to help our children become competent, productive, and happy adults. This 18+ year process is never easy, but as children develop and attempt to explore the range of their own abilities, parents often find themselves trying to strike a balance between allowing their kids to be independent and making sure that everything gets done in the best, most efficient manner.

Children begin to exercise independence early. Toddlers as young two begin to make demands for things they want, to refuse things they do not want, and to insist on doing everything themselves. This early form of independence is the developmental way of differentiating the self from others. After all, if mom is doing everything for you, then are you really a separate person from mom?

But independence is very different from self-sufficient. While independence is the basic need to be an individual, being self-sufficient suggests competence. It is one thing to be independent enough to go into the store alone. It is a very different thing to drive yourself to the store and ensure that you make wise purchases.

During the developmental years, parents must use their children’s innate need for independence to ensure that they develop into self-sufficient individuals. Children will want to be independent, but it is the parents’ obligation to provide children with opportunities to become competent.

These opportunities will fall into one of three categories. Either the child is capable of doing it (Competent); the child has some of the skills, but not all of them (Marginally Competent); or the child does not have any of the skills needed to be successful (Incompetent). And the parent’s decision should depend on which category the skill falls within.

Competent

If your child wants to do something and already has the skills to be successful, then by all means, let him do it. This will build confidence, strengthen his skills, and allow you to do other things that are on your list.

It is understandable that this will not work all the time. For example, say you have to get out of the house in five minutes and your son needs to put on and tie his shoes. Well, even if he can do it, if it takes him six minutes, you will be late. And your tendency will be to “just do it for him.”

In those types of situations, you have to be a little more creative. Perhaps he can put on his shoes and tie them in the car, on the way. Perhaps he can work on one and you do the other. The point is, when we attempt to battle our kids over some of these things, we run the risk of either creating unnecessary conflicts and arguments or making our children more dependent on us than necessary. That is, I have repeatedly met children who are perfectly capable of accomplishing a task, but will refuse to do so because his parent will do it. This takes away his independence and his self-sufficiency.

We should avoid these consequence as best we can by allowing our children the independence to demonstrate and use the skills they have to be competent.

Marginally Competent

Some children are able to perform a portion of the skills necessary to complete a task, but they have not yet mastered the entire task. In these situations, it is the parent’s duty to provide the necessary support for the child as he works through the process.

This is what the famous Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky referred to as “scaffolding.” Like the scaffolds used in building construction, this approach suggests that parents provide just enough support to ensure that the child does not fail. The parent does not do the work for the child. Rather, the parent simply provides enough support to ensure that the child remains on the right path to success.

Let’s return to the shoe tying example. Perhaps your child can tie his shoes, but because he has not completely mastered the skill, the resulting knot is loose and often comes untied. Helping your child by holding the knot while he pulls it tight is just the right amount of help to allow him to “do it himself” while still finding success.

Scaffolding is a great way to bridge the gap between emerging skills and skill mastery. And using it will help your child achieve self-sufficiency much more quickly than if you left him to his own devices.

Incompetent

When it comes to skills that your child has not yet mastered, your role is very straight forward. You are the teacher. Although you still have to appreciate their need to be independent, you must also help them understand that they sometimes need the assistance of others.

If they are still unconvinced that they need assistance, you may need to allow them to fail. Yes, we mean fail. If your child insists on doing something that he cannot do, let him try. When he fails (again, assuming that it is a skill that he cannot do), ask if you can help. Certainly avoid those “I told you so…” statements, as that will result in him being more resistant and frustrated with your assistance.

Instead, say something like, “Yeah, that is a tough thing to do. Can I show you how I learned to do it?” This approach serves two purposes. First, it lets your child know that you are willing to help, but that it is his choice. This maintains his sense of independence and affords him some level of control over the situation. This sense of independence and control is important for his cognitive and emotional development.

Second, that statement lets your child know that you were once unable to accomplish the task. You were not able to do it in the past and had to learn, just like he does. If he, like most children, sees you as the expert, relating with you over the need to learn will help him feel better about his current limitations.

Although time does not always allow us to teach at the level we should or would otherwise want, we should make sure that we find opportunities for our children to learn new skills. Whether it is how to use the washing machine, how to tie their shoes, or how to drive a car, they are not going to learn unless we take the time to teach them. So take advantage of their need for independence, and use that opportunity to help them become self-sufficient.