Breeding Bravery

Breeding Bravery

The word “brave” has many synonyms. Courageous.  Valiant. Heroic. But what does it really mean to be brave? And more importantly, how do we create bravery in ourselves and in our children?

When we think of being brave, we tend to imagine one of a few classic examples. In the movie Captain America – The First Avenger – we saw how Steve Rogers, a small, thin, unimposing teenager would stand up to others who were not only bigger than him, but also out numbered him. He did so because he felt it was right to take the risk, to put himself out there, and to fight for what was right. In fact, it was his bravery – his “heart” – that led to him being chosen for the Captain America experiment.

While the need to “stand up for what is right” is one example of bravery, another that we commonly gravitate to would be risk takers. Sure, some may use other words to describe them, but those who jump out of airplanes, serve in the military during war times, and push the limits of the human experience can also be classified as brave. They are doing something with an identified, and sometimes certain, risk.

It is important, however, to resist the tendency to confuse bravery with impulsive risk-taking. While putting oneself in harm’s way can be interpreted as brave, it can also fall into the category of careless, reckless, and, well, stupid.

Defining Bravery

To lean more toward bravery than recklessness, it is important to first clarify what bravery is. I recently heard a TED Talk by Ms. Reshma Saujani, Founder and CEO of Girls Who Code. In her talk, Ms. Saujani discussed the differences between how we raise boys and girls. While boys are reared to take risks, to try things that are difficult, and to push themselves to their limits; girls tend to be raised to avoid risks and to take the safe route. Through a variety of examples, Ms. Saujani made a sound argument that by doing so, we tend to raise boys to be brave and girls to be perfect.

With this in mind, I prefer to view bravery as the willingness to push one’s limits for the purpose of personal growth, progress, exploration, and discovery. This definition continues to fit our classic examples of bravery – Steve Roger’s need to stand-up for “what is right” certainly falls within the boundaries of personal growth and progress, while an astronaut’s mission into outer space is all about discovery and exploration.

And while these extremes are easy to categorize, bravery also plays a critical role in our day to day lives. When you ask your boss for a raise, one should consider that to be brave. When you try something you have never done before or when you recognize that you are in a bad relationship and decide to leave – those are signs of bravery.

Sure you may argue that this definition dilutes the idea of bravery, but I would beg to differ. How many people do you know who have worked in a job for years and have never asked for a raise? How many people do you know who have been in unhealthy or even abusive relationships for years and cannot get themselves to leave? How many of those same people are even too cautious or scared to even talk about the relationship in a negative way?

So while it may seem that my definition of bravery is very broad, there are certainly those who have it, and those who do not. Which brings us to the most important question – How do we create bravery in our lives and the lives of our children?

Breeding Bravery

At the end of each of my podcasts, I try to remind listeners to “forget to be afraid.” The idea behind that phrase is that too often we allow our fear of failure to prevent us from becoming our optimal selves. We resist the urge to take risks, to get out of our comfort zones, and to push ourselves to the next level.

Instead, we choose to take the easy, familiar path in life. For many, this path is very attractive.  It is well worn and very wide, allowing for the occasional teetering from side to side without the risk of falling off of the path. It is an easy road with few confrontations, obstacles, or turns.

The other proverbial path, though, is much more adventurous. If we examine it in our mind’s eye, we may envision a path that turns and curves around imposing trees. There are roots and holes that must be navigated to avoid injury. The path is narrow, guaranteeing the occasional fall into the surrounding woods. Compared to the other path, this one looks dangerous, and only the brave dare to make this choice. But as Robert Frost wrote:

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Taking the road less traveled requires bravery, which we must foster and develop. Most toddlers have bravery to spare. After all, look at how many times toddlers fall and get hurt when they are learning to walk. If you were injured that many times trying to do something, would you keep at it? Probably not.

So somewhere between our toddler years and adolescence we lose our bravery. We lose that which makes us push to the next level, despite obstacles and imposed (or at least perceived) intimidation. But it is time we take it back.

As Ms. Saujani suggested in her TED Talk, the process of losing our bravery begins in childhood. During that time, our parents tend to guide us in one direction or another. And while Ms. Saujani correctly noted major, though generalized differences between male and female children, this gender difference is not absolute. That is, both boys and girls are at risk of being guided away from developing their bravery and toward the path of least resistance.

Wonderfully, though, the remedy for this problem works for our children just as well as it works in our own lives. That’s right, you can use the same strategies for children that you would use to increase bravery in yourself.

1. Remind yourself that you are worthy. One of the leading factors that make us hesitate to take that step is the feeling that you are not important enough. That is rubbish! If you are willing to put yourself out there and work — you are worthy!
2. Identify the benefits. This step is probably the most obvious, but it is important that you look at why you want to make this decision. What good can and will come out of it? Knowing this will help build your motivation.
3. Identify the risks. Now that you are motivated for the benefits, it is important to anticipate the risks. It is this step that differentiates bravery from recklessness. Understanding the risks allows you to be prepared for times if, and potentially when, you fail. Remember that failure is an important part of the process! Your boss will, at times, say “No.” You will not get every job you apply for. But that is OK. If you work to anticipate the risks, each failure is a learning opportunity. The risk that you did not anticipate this time, will be on your list of risks to prepare for next time. That is learning. That is life!
4. Look for the first step. Now that you know the benefits and risks, what is your first step? Can you see it? Sometimes it is a step of faith. Not blind faith, but informed faith. Faith in the fact that you know which direction you want to go and taking the first step in that direction. Sometimes your first step will be #1 on this list – Remind yourself that you are worthy. Other times your first step will be to make a plan, to outline your path from where you are now, to where you hope to be. Either way, find that first step, know what it looks like, and then…
5. JUMP! Just get started! You have planned and prepared yourself for it, now do it. You know the benefits, you know the possible risks, and while there my be a few surprises along the way, you will be ready. If you fall… well… get up, dust yourself off, and return to step 1. Remember, bravery is all about personal growth and discovery. Failure is a critical part of that, so don’t fear it, embrace it for what it is.

These same steps can and should be modeled for our children. When you hear your child resist doing something because he/she  does not know how, encourage him/her to try anyway. Don’t just tell your child, show him/her how to try, fail, learn/reflect, then try again.

Attempting something with the knowledge that there is a risk for failure is bravery! When we teach ourselves and our children to be brave, to take those risks, we find ourselves in a much happier and satisfying place.

Good luck, and as always — Forget to be Afraid!