Attention – More Than Just Being There

Attention – More Than Just Being There

My colleague, Dr. Richard Marshall, and I are in the process of revising our 2012 publication, Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child. In this book, we review the three basic tenants to parenting, Behavior Management, Attention, and Love.

Within the Attention portion of the text, we discuss the difference between the quantity of attention you give your child and the quality of attention you offer your child. 

Our Tendency Toward Quantity

Many of us view life with the perspective more is better, well, at least when it comes to good things. More money, more vacation time, more time to relax, more time with our families. These are all seen as circumstances where the more we can get, the better.

But we also generalize this to other things. More time studying is better – even if it means only getting a few hours worth of sleep the night before the exam. More time at work – even if that means missing important life events with your family.

Of course I should mention that this mentality also gets us into trouble sometimes. For example, when we are injured, taking more pain medication can cause more problems down the road. But generally speaking, we tend to believe that more is better.

When I talk with parents about the time they spend with their child – the attention they give to him/her – parents shift to the default of quantity. They may say, “I am home every evening with my son!” or “We do everything together, I am with her 24/7.” And this is, usually, true. They are with their child most of the time.

But my challenge to them is to consider whether they are really available to their child.

Shifting to the Quality Perspective

When a parent tells me that they are with their child every evening “from the time he gets off the bus after school until he leaves for school the next morning”, I am eager to find out what they do with that time. While the parent tends to believe that they are spending time and showing their child a lot of attention, the child will often say that they receive very little, if any attention from the parent. So, what are they actually doing during that time?

This question is usually answered somewhat matter-of-factly. Parents (and some children) will say something like, “Well, when he gets home from school he will eat a snack. He then goes to his room to do his homework while I prepare dinner for the family. When dinner is ready, we will eat, and if he has anything left to do for homework, he will finish it up before taking a shower. After his shower, he will play video games for a little bit before preparing for bed.” Sometimes I feel like parents read this in a pamphlet or something, because almost ever parent describes their evening in exactly this same manner.

Nonetheless, as we dissect their time, it is quickly discovered that except for a few brief interactions, the parent and child really spend no time together.

Parents – who view the world in much more of an abstract way than children – believe that cooking the child his favorite meal is a form of attention and affection. And it is. But the child does not see it that way.

Parents believe that allowing him to do something he enjoys – i.e., play video games – is a form of affection, caring, and understanding. And it is. But the child does not see it that way.

Children, generally speaking, view the world from somewhat of a unique, and what adults would call a skewed perspective. I have met many children who’s parents are home with them every day, all day, literally 24/7 (except for school) and the child honestly feels as though the parent is completely unavailable.

The Two Issues With Quantity

In these situations, I find there to be two problems.

First, interestingly, the quantity of time the parent feels he/she is offering the child is very different from the amount of time he/she is actually available. As was illustrated in the example above, that parent – though doing very important evening chores and obligations for the child – really spent little to no time with the child.

Instead, the time was spent in the same general area as the child, doing things for the child. Things that the child may simply be too young to actually appreciate. Sure he will enjoy his favorite meal, but he would have eaten other food as well. Moreover, as many children have said, it is not like as though the parent was cooking only for him/her, everyone else is eating it, too.

So the bottom line is that although you are there for your child, he/she may not feel as though you are spending time with him/her in the same way you, as the parent, feel you are.

The second issue is that even when you are spending time with the child playing a game, talking, or going for a walk, any interruption in that time – even if it is for just a few minutes – may be interpreted as unavailability. Let’s say that you are outside kicking the soccer ball with you daughter. You could be outside with her for an hour, but that five-minute phone call you took may have left her feeling as though the time you spent with her was insignificant. It may completely negate that entire experience.

It is not that she did not have a good time. It is not that she did not enjoy spending time with you. It really comes down to this simple perspective – who ever was on the phone was more important. As such, the unfortunate truth is that all of that time did not truly count from the child’s perspective. You did what you had to do, but you will, sadly, get no kid-credit.

Kids Want Attention, Not Smothering

Parents in this situation must shift their perspective from quantity to quality. It does not matter how much time you and your child are in the house together. It matters how that time is used.

There are times when I am home from work all day long and never see my daughter, except perhaps for a brief “hi” as she wanders through the kitchen looking for a bottle of water! As a self-sufficient teenager, she stays in her “teen-cave” and does her own thing. While this certainly is not a regular occurrence, the quantity of time I am there with my daughter is much more than the amount of quality time I am spending with her.

Similarly, most kids – especially as they get older – do not want you there 24/7. I have met parents who react when their teenagers need for independence and separation from the family by – as one teen would put it – sMOTHERing the teen. This certainly will not result in the desired effect.

So as we make this shift in perspective from quantity to quality, there are two things that will make it easier and, more importantly, help your child recognize and appreciate the time you spend with him/her.

First, make a big deal about the special time you spend with your child. When you decide to go out and kick the soccer ball with your 8 year old, say, “Hey bud, let’s go out and kick the soccer ball some. I’m gonna leave my phone in the house so that we are not interrupted!”

This tells your son that a) you want to spend uninterrupted time with him, b) that you are available for him and giving him attention, and c) that he is the most important person right now. While we must (thought somewhat reluctantly) admit that all three of these things are not always true, highlighting the times when they are true makes a difference.

This can also be done by having “special” things that you do with your children, individually. My son and I have soccer. That is what we do together. Rarely will one of us go to a soccer match without the other. My daughter and I go to movies together. Again, it is a time that we spend together, just she and I. When you have specific, individualized activities with your children, they will appreciate that the time is sacred and recognize it accordingly.

Second, point out situations when your child’s time with you is pulled away by something he/she finds important. For example, if you went outside to kick the soccer ball with your daughter, and her friend from down the road ran up and asked her to play, what should you do? This was time that you intended to spend with your daughter, but now that time is being taken away.

This is a great time to teach her that being pulled away from your time together goes both ways. When she says, “Dad, can I go play?” you should – in a way that does not apply guilt – say, “Sure! I was looking forward to kicking the ball with you, but I know that things come up sometimes, like when I sometimes have to take phone calls. We will kick the ball another time. Go have fun.”

Highlighting this with your child helps her appreciate the fact that interruptions happen, but it does not change how much you care about each other. I am certain that if you asked her she would acknowledge that her friend is not more important than you. Again, this can be pointed out – very directly, if needed – when she seems to feel that whoever called you is more important than her.

This process is a type of direct instruction. You are teaching your child, in a very concrete way, how to manage and interpret your relationship with him/her, how important he/she is to you, and that you do spend time with him/her.

Simply being there, in the house, with your child is not enough. You have to ensure that you are taking some time and putting forth some effort to dedicate quality time with your child. It does not have to be a lot of time. It does not even have to happen every day. Quantity is not as important as quality. So make your time count.