My Father’s Death: A Year Later

ByDr. Berney

My Father’s Death: A Year Later

In memory of Rodney “Grampy” Wilkinson

Today marks the one year anniversary of my father’s death. For those of you who follow my column in The Ledger, you may recall the piece I wrote at the time entitled “When You Have To Let It Be” (you can read the column here).

To summarize, I certainly would not say that my father and I had a close relationship. Throughout my adulthood, we rarely saw each other and his lifestyle and mine were… well… different. While he made many life choices that, at some level, bothered me considerably, he was a good man to his friends and co-workers. I am sure, if asked, he would probably argue that he did the best he could with my brother and I. And I have no doubt that he would feel that that was true, that he did the best he could.

I admit that I have thought about him many times over the past year. That said, it is difficult for me to determine if I have thought about him more over this past year than I did in the previous year. Again, despite living about 20 minutes apart, we were not close and would go years without seeing each other or even talking.

My intention for this post was not to rehash all of the issues and emotional baggage I unloaded a year ago. Instead, I wanted to describe a different level of understanding that has evolved over the past 12 months of my life. And I wonder if others have thought or experienced the same thing.

Losing Loved Ones

Now, I have lost loved ones before. My grandfather passed two days after my birthday many years ago and my uncle passed around Easter time four years ago. Their memories and my love for them have endured because, as a family, we talk about them at the holidays. Many of us will post pictures of them on Facebook. In all, they live on because of the nature of our relationships with them, in life and in death.

My father, on the other hand, is a different story. We do not talk about him. Again, he was never really a part of my adult life; and while my kids knew him, he was just “Grampy,” a scruffy bearded guy who came around every once in a while and usually smelled of stale cigarettes and alcohol. So we don’t really have a lot of memories to relive and tell about our times with him, because – sadly – there were none.

With all of that said, I have had flashbulb memories of him at unexpected times. As I sit here and type this blog, I cannot imagine the sound of his voice in my head. I have a hard time remembering that type of detail. Yet, there was a time, about four months ago, when I was at a store and heard someone cough and it sounded just like him. I honestly looked very quickly because it caught me off guard. It was weird and hard to explain.

Another time I was at the soccer fields and my son did something and a comment that I am certain my father would have said to me – yes, it was a negative comment – jumped into my head. While I could not hear his voice, the words and criticism was certainly his.

I guess what I am saying is that over the course of the year, I have had experiences where I was reminded of my father and the inconsistent – and often estranged – relationship I had with him. And unlike those from other family members who have passed, it makes me sad that most of those memories have been negative. On the rare occasion – such as a time when I found a picture of him holding my first born – the memories have been positive. Otherwise, though, they have been overwhelmingly negative or, at best, neutral.

Reinforcing Learned Lessons

And this beings me back to what I learned from my relationship with my father. As I wrote in my column about a year ago, the lesson I learned from him in life, as well as throughout the year that has passed since his death, is that we must be mindful of the legacy we leave. What kind of father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter, grandparent, or friend do you want to be? Because that legacy, those memories, are forged today, with everything we do.

As I look at the clock, I am reminded that I need to go wake my son up to take him to school. I am so appreciative of the relationship I share with him. With my daughter. With my stepdaughter and my grandchildren. With my wife. With my mother. With my brother. With my friends.

I do wonder, though, would I value these relationships as much as I do, had my relationship with my father been any different? As I have mentioned many times before, everything we experience is a life lesson that shapes who we are and the decisions we make. Were my experiences with my father the lessons I needed to learn in order to value the important relationships in my life? Had I not had those experiences, would I feel different? Perhaps without those lessons I would take these relationships for granted and not work as hard to ensure that they are healthy. Regardless, that is how I will choose to see it, because that means there was something positive that came from that negativity. Those bad experiences now have value.

With that said, I want to say thanks dad for the hard learned lesson. It wasn’t easy and it certainly was not the way that I would have wanted to learn it, but it was an important lesson, none the less. I will be thinking of you throughout the day and will always hope that you have found in your afterlife the happiness you couldn’t find in life. Love You.