Marriage after the book, “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert

Marriage after the book, “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert

I will start by saying that I have not yet read this book.  I will read it, I just haven’t yet.

I heard that this book was very good.  When the Julia Roberts movie came out, praise for Ms. Gilbert’s story permeated the web and conversations.  Having heard the praise, I decided that I would purchase the book as a gift for my wife, not knowing anything about the story.

One day, about a week after purchasing the book, I was at work talking to a new patient.  During my interview with the patient, he brought up the book, “Eat, Pray, Love.”  My first thought was, “It is interesting that he mentioned this book.  I don’t know much about it, but this could be great.  I will hear more about the book so that I will be able to talk with my wife about it.”  Unfortunately, the patient’s story had an interesting twist.

The gentleman reported that he, too, purchased the book for his wife.  He felt that it would be a nice gift for her birthday.  The man and his wife had been together since high school.  They had kids right away and settled into a demanding “adult life” by the time they were 20 years old.  While they both went to college, demands at home (i.e., kids, rent, etc.) forced them to attend part time, while they both carried full time jobs.  Nonetheless, the man loves his wife and indicated that he would do anything for her.

So he bought his wife this book, believing that she would enjoy the story.  He even planned to take her to see the movie.  As his wife began reading the book, she seemed to delve into the story.  Much of her free time over the next few days was taken up by the book.  Over the subsequent weeks, she read the book… three times. Initially, he felt very good about himself, feeling as though this could bring him and his wife closer.  You see, the man acknowledges that he and his wife were in a rut.  They had the exact routine, day in and day out.  Very little spontaneity, very little excitement.  Looking back on their relationship, he cannot pinpoint the time when this happened.  When did they change from exuberant, energetic lovers of life to … his parents?  That was exactly how he felt, like a 60 year old couple, in 35 year old bodies.

Well, as his wife read through the book, he began noticing changes in her.  Just subtle things at first.  Not coming home right after work.  She began to have “girl’s nights out,” which she had never done before.  He did not believe that she was cheating on him, he simply recognized that things were different. He found himself alone more, as their children were now adolescents and spending most of their time out of the house.  He felt… lonely.  He tried to keep to his routine, but things felt wrong, as his wife was not there with him.  Over the subsequent weeks and months, she changed more and more.  What was happening?

As the story culminated in my office, with the man becoming tearful and sullen, we explored more of his and his wife’s life together.  As we talked, he repeatedly used a very interesting phrase.  He referred to him and his wife as “one.”  Now, I know what you may be thinking.  “Isn’t that what a marriage is, the joining of two into a new one?”  I guess, as this story shows, the answer would be… sort of.

At its base, marriage is a joining, a union.  As I have heard in many wedding ceremonies, “Marriage is when two lives become one.”  This is, in many ways, absolutely true.  A married couple shifts from individual progress, to unified goals.  As a unified team, they decide to have children, buy a house, or move to a new town.  Many decisions, big decisions, are made together.

In my experience, however, problems arise when the marriage results in loss of individuality, and I believe that is what happened to my patient and his wife.  They became one, and forgot who they were.  As his wife read the book, she yearned for individuality, excitement, and adventure.  She missed that in her life, and began looking for it.  Unfortunately, she began that search and left her husband behind.  The couple is now getting a divorce.

While I know that this is an unfortunate story, I decided to share it with you to help married couples out there.  To prevent this trend from reoccurring.  You have to remember, as U2’s “One” says, “We’re one, but we’re not the same.”  Even in a marriage, you have to accept the fact that you are still two people.  Just because you say, “I do,” does not change who you are, what you enjoy, and what you don’t enjoy.  Everyone should have hobbies that give them some individuality, time to themselves.  This may take you by surprise, but you do NOT have to do everything with your spouse.

This is not to say that you can make unilateral decisions about those big life decisions or when that decision will affect your spouse.  Rather, you communicate with one another and be truthful.  It is OK to go to the movies alone.  It is OK to hang out with friends.  It is OK to go out with co-workers after work.  But be honest, open, and faithful.  Do not be deceptive, secretive, and selfish.

Life is so much better with excitement and adventure.  Just because you are married does not mean you have to give those things up. Do not try to convince yourself that, “I am married now, I can’t have a girl’s night out.”  That is ridiculous.  Those things make you… well… you.  They keep you connected, stable, and happy.  That’s right.  They make you happy.  It is perfectly OK for someone, besides just your spouse, to make you happy.  As a spouse, you too have to accept that about your significant other.

I firmly believe that when a couple accepts the fact that they are “unified individuals,” they are happier and enjoy their time together much more.  Books don’t ruin marriages, that is a job for regret, unhappiness, and jealousy (sounds like the start of another blog).

I hope that this helps some of you out there.  I am eager to hear your thoughts.

BTW, I am OK with my wife reading “Eat, Pray, Love.”

Dr. B