Chapter 4 excerpt from my upcoming book “Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child”

ByDr. Berney

Chapter 4 excerpt from my upcoming book “Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child”

As I mentioned in previous blogs, I have been writing a parenting book.  Well, I am about four chapters into it now and am feeling great about it.  In fact, I have sent a query letter to a literary agent with hopes of representation. Because I am always eager to have feedback, I have decided to post an excerpt from the chapter that I just recently finished.  So, enjoy and I look forward to you feedback.

Chapter 4:  Adolescence

Adolescence (11 to 18 years)

Looking back over the last decade, you have successfully developed routines and you have managed transitions.  You even survived temper tantrums and the influence of peers.  But you ain’t seen nothing yet.  I welcome you to adolescence.

Adolescence is best described by the opening line from the Charles Dickens classic, “A Tale of Two Cities.”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way…”

Although Dickens was talking about London and Paris prior to the French Revolution, the words certainly hold true to adolescence.  The relationship that you have developed thus far with your child will be put to the test, on a daily basis.  There will be times when you look at your child and cry because they are so mature and adult-like.  At other times, your adolescent will act so much like a toddler that you will cry, wondering how he or she will ever make it as an adult.  There will be other times that your relationship with your child will be so strained, that you will cry because of what he or she said to you or did “just to spite” you.  In other words, buy a lot of tissues and get that calming bath ready, because you need to be prepared for frustration and emotion like you have not yet seen.

Now, I am sure that there are those of you reading this who will say that I am exaggerating or being over dramatic.  But there will be others who would say that I have said so far is not giving the turbulence justice.  As a result, be aware that, like all other areas of development, there is some variability.  As such, I will be speaking about adolescents in general, with a few examples, just to help with the points.

Globally speaking, adolescents present a set of challenges that many parents find difficult to tolerate.  Parents are often torn between several potential roles.  While they want to hold onto their historic roles of parent, authority, and decision-maker, they also find themselves wanting to befriend, bend, and let-go of their child.  Many parents will swing between these roles, making them feel as though they are being ripped apart by their own decisions.  As such, this may be the first time that you find yourself unsure as to what to say or do.  Hopefully, you will find some comfort in knowing that most parents of adolescents are experiencing the same feelings.  You should also be comforted in knowing that your adolescent is feeling exactly the same way.  In fact, when I work with adolescents and their parents, one of the most common phrases I hear (from adolescents and parents alike) is, “I feel like I am bipolar.”  Most of them do not truly mean that they are manic-depressive.  Rather, they describe themselves as swinging between happiness to sadness, calmness to hostility, and enjoyment to anger.  So, before we talk about some specific strategies for parents, let’s take a few minutes to talk about why this is such a turbulent time for everyone.

Piaget described adolescence as the Formal Operational Stage of development.  During this time frame, adolescents continue to develop many of the cognitive skills that began in the Concrete Operational Stage.  They begin to have the ability to think abstractly, logically, and in an organized manner, allowing them to think beyond the world of concrete reality and consider symbolism and abstraction.  While some adolescents will have completely mastered this new perspective by the age of 15 years, others take longer to become fully able to utilize these skills consistently.

Some of you are probably flipping back to the beginning of this chapter.  How can teenagers be capable of such advanced thought and consideration, but behave the way they do?  Good question.  Here is what I think causes all of the problems, emotion.  Let me explain what I mean.

During adolescence, teenagers are attempting to create their own identity.  They are developing their independent identities, which means that they must separate from you, their parent, and gravitate towards those who resemble what they see as their own ideal selves (their peers).  While this sounds obvious, it is not so clear cut.  On one hand, adolescents have their parents.  Supports who have always been there for them and love them unconditionally.  On the other hand, they have the wax and wane of friendships, relationships that they have to work on.  Relationships that are very fragile and inconsistent.

Imagine standing at the base of a rocky cliff at the edge of the ocean.  On one side you have the strength of immovable rocks and on the other, you have the ebb and flow of the powerful ocean.  When the ocean is calm, you are able to stand with no problem.  You can easily manage the rocks and the ocean.  As such, you are calm.  However, when the oceans are rough.  As storms rage.  When waves relentlessly crash against you, you find yourself drowning in the water, while your body pounds against the jagged and hard cliffs.  You are anything but calm.  You begin to panic, because now, everything around you is an enemy.  You are unable to problem solve.  You are unable to think about consequences.  You simply want to survive.

In this analogy, the cliffs did not change, as a parent, you do not change.  The ocean, your child’s friends, are ever changing, creating frustration and fear.  Creating emotion.  It is that emotion, the fear of losing those with whom they identify, that makes it impossible for them to consistently make appropriate decisions.  This is the reason why you and your teenager can be getting along wonderfully one minute, but be screaming at one another the next.  They are just trying to survive.

So as the winds of adolescence blow, we as parents have a choice.  We can continue to be immovable and allow our children to crash against us, or we can be a solid foundation, while finding some flexibility in our expectations.  Either way, parents must learn tolerance.  You must be able to look beyond the immediate and remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.