Seeking Perfection

Seeking Perfection

by: Dr. Richard Marshall

A few days ago, I found an article titled, “Effects of Perfectionism: How Intrusive Parenting Is Harmful to Children.” You can find it here. Most of the research conducted on intrusive parenting (also known as helicopter parenting) studies its effects in high school and college students. However, this particular article is important, because the authors report the results of their five-year study targeting the effects of intrusive parenting on children in the primary grades.

The authors report that the negative effects of intrusive parenting begin in the primary grades and that there is a gradual worsening of these effects over time. In addition to higher rates of early onset anxiety and depression, the researchers also found that children with intrusive parents are more self-critical—that is, they internalize the message that they are just never good enough and that others are better (or smarter, or faster, or stronger) than they.

I am not surprised to hear this discouraging news. Our children are growing up in a far more competitive environment than any previous generation. In large cities like New York, courses and private tutoring aimed at preparing three and four year olds for exams to the city’s most prestigious preschool and kindergarten programs has become a lucrative enterprise with parents spending thousands of dollars to give their child a competitive edge. We see the same thing in youth sports. Parents enroll their children in competitive sports at earlier and earlier ages, hoping to provide them a competitive advantage and earn a spot on one of the elite year round travel teams. In addition to practicing three or more nights per week and playing games and tournaments on week-ends, these youngsters are also getting advice and assistance from nutritionists, massage therapists, and sports psychologists.

The urge to give our children every advantage is natural and understandable, and today’s parents feel this overwhelming urge to position their children so that they can compete with the best in their age group. But there are two new aspects to today’s pressure.

First, and as already noted, the pressure is starting at younger and younger ages. Second, the pressure is present in all aspects of their lives. We had pressure to perform in school, but we didn’t have to pass a test to be promoted or for our teacher to keep her job. And we played sports for fun (at least until high school). Youth today have pressure everywhere. But as the pressure for children to perform and to compete at younger and younger ages increases, we are beginning to encounter some serious unintended consequences.

As I was putting this blog together, an email arrived from WebMD titled “Seven Signs You Might Be a Helicopter Parent.” If you want to read the article, you can find it here. Here are the seven signs:

1. You fight your child’s battles.
2. You do their schoolwork
3. You coach his coaches
4. You keep your kids on a short leash
5. You’re a maid in your own house
6. You play it too safe
7. You can’t let them fail

If you find yourself doing any or all of these and you have that nagging feeling that you are doing too much for your child, we encourage you to listen to those feelings. Children must have the opportunity to fail, to learn from their mistakes, to fight their own battles, to be free to explore their world until they find THEIR passion. To help you disengage, we offer the following advice:

KNOW YOUR CHILD

Some children thrive on competition; others avoid it at all costs. Some children love to perform in front of an audience; others have paralyzing stage fright. Some love the limelight; others do all they can to escape it. If your child is timid and slow to warm, chances are they are not going to develop into an aggressive student, athlete, or anything else. It’s okay, let them become what they are going to become.

LET YOUR CHILD DECIDE

In the end, they are going to make their own decision anyway. You may want a quarterback, but he may abhor the thought of contact sports. You may want a tennis player, but she may want to be a cheerleader. Despite how determined and dedicated a parent might be, if your child doesn’t share your passion, it is not going to happen. Some children find their passion early, others find it later. But it must be theirs.

MOTIVATION FOLLOWS ACHIEVEMENT

Most of us labor under the misunderstanding that if a child is motivated, he or she will do well. Wrong!! If a child does well, he or she is motivated. So, stop berating your child for not being motivated. Work on making her competent. None of us is motivated to do what we are not good at doing.

DON’T BE AFRAID

Don’t do anything with, for, or about your child out or fear that not doing so puts your child at a disadvantage.

RAISE THE CHILD YOU HAVE

Set your own standards and create a world in which your child can thrive—despite what the rest of the world is doing. Some children are born with a competitive spirit and they thrive on competition. Generally speaking, they are also the kids who win the competitions. Imagine what being made to compete does to the child who is not able to win. Recurring failure and criticism do not a happy child make.

In 1981, David Elkind, a highly respected developmental psychologist from Harvard, wrote a book titled The Hurried Child. In it, he warned parents about the negative consequences of pushing children to far too fast. In December 2006, he published the 25^th anniversary edition of the book. If Elkind thought we were hurrying children in the early 1980’s, one can only imagine what he has to say about the post 9/11, post computer, post cell phone, post Facebook®, post social media generation. From personal experience, I can tell you that my first child, born in 1981, and my fourth child, born in 1999, might just as well have grown up on different planets.

I mention Elkind’s book because some very smart people are warning us about the dangers of pushing children too hard too early. It is prudent to consider their advice. It is also, I am convinced, in the best interest of our children to consider their advice.