Deciphering Our Teenager’s Declarations
Earlier this morning I was looking for an article about ADHD when I ran across a column with the title, “Aiming to Decipher My Teen’s Transgender Declaration.” I decided to read the article, because we are experiencing a sudden and significant increase in teenagers declaring that they are gay, or bi, or trans. And this comes as a shock to most parents who assume that their children are going to follow the typical life path of college or career, marriage, and children.
Different parents react differently to this news bulletin. Uninvolved parents tend to ignore this as they ignore other things about their children. Authoritarian parents think they can maintain control and coerce their children into doing or being what they (the parents) want. As always, somewhere between these two extremes is some wisdom that we should be looking for.
Before you act (or overreact) keep in mind that the teen years is also the time when our children declare that they are atheists, or vegetarians, or vegans. That they want to be home-schooled, or not schooled, or—you get the picture. Teenagers have always sought to separate from their parents. Adolescence is the time when our children begin to leave the nest. Some leave early, quickly, and with much fanfare; others leave slowly and quietly.
And they use whatever they can to be different from their parents. Some seek huge differences (announcing they are an atheist or that they are gay), while others are satisfied with more subtle differences (quitting an activity they have been doing since childhood). Like any declaration of independence, some are easy and some are bloody. Regardless of which one you’re dealing with, the advice remains the same: PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
At the age of declaration, neither we nor our children know how this is going to turn out. Some who announce that they are gay will remain so; for others it will be another phase, not unimportant, just not permanent. Whichever it is, parents are in no position to make the decision for them. Those days are gone. What you can do is withhold approval of permanent changes (surgery) and discourage ostentatious, attention-seeking displays. We don’t flaunt our heterosexuality, so there is no reason to flaunt our homosexuality. If you are gay, you are gay. The world will know without an ad campaign; and your grandparents may or may not need to know, so spare them. It’s okay to be gay, but it’s also important to be considerate.
The greater the consequences the greater the stress. Hearing that your teen is a vegetarian produces a small, almost amusing blip on the family landscape. Hearing that your teen is sexually active produces another level of family tension. Hearing that your child is gay or trans is far more consequential, so it produces a higher stress level. Regardless of your stress level, however, this is no time to issue ultimatums or to enact prohibitions that you can’t enforce.
Remember, we don’t know how this is going to turn out. If your child eventually determines that she is gay, you have respected who she is. If not, you have been patient while she was making this critical decision. Either way, you will have her undying gratitude and she is likely to pass on your wisdom to others.
Dr. Marshall administrator
Richard Marshall earned an Ed.D. in reading and learning disabilities at West Virginia University in 1982. While completing his doctoral studies he served as an educational specialist in the Pediatric Neurology. Upon completion of his degree he became an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the WVU Medical School. After moving to Florida in 1983, he joined the faculty in the Department of Pediatrics in the College of Medicine at the University of South Florida and worked for five years in the Neonatal Developmental Follow-Up Program. In 1993, he completed a Ph.D. in School Psychology at the University of Georgia with an emphasis in Child and Adolescent Neuropsychology. Upon degree completion, he taught courses in the biological bases of behavior and neuropsychology at the University of Texas in Austin. He also served as developmental psychologist at the Children’s Hospital of Austin. He and his family returned to Florida in 2001 and he once more became a faculty member at the University of South Florida. He is presently an Associate Professor in the College of Education and he is an adjunct associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences at the USF College of Medicine. In 2008, Dr. Marshall co-authored the Pediatric Behavior Rating Scale; in 2011, he co-authored The Middle School Mind: Growing Pains in Early Adolescent Brains (2011) and is currently revising the Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child (2012). In addition to writing and a busy schedule of workshops and presentations, Dr. Marshall also maintains a private practice in Lakeland, Florida where he specializes in the assessment and treatment of children and adults with emotional, behavioral, and learning disorders; parenting; family therapy; and couples counseling. As part of that practice he maintains a daily blog and he co-hosts The Mental Breakdown Podcast (iTunes, Google Play Music, and YouTube) and the Psychreg Podcast. He has spoken to professional and community groups throughout the United States, Canada, Europe, and South America.
About the author